When my boys were little, it felt like I was their whole world. I was there when they woke up in the morning. There to feed them, explore the world with them, and comfort them when they hurt. Our communication was constant; there was rarely a time when I didn’t know exactly how they felt. When they went off to school, it got a little harder because I wasn’t with them all day. I had to rely on teachers, other moms, and conversation after school to get information that was once at my fingertips. It was this point in time that it became even more evident how different from each other my kids were.
I had one who was an open book. He would give me all the details in response to just a simple question. But I also had one who was not. He wouldn’t even tell me about something if I had inside information and asked somewhat specific questions. Somehow, we made it work. I figured out that I could get the quiet one talking if we were in the car running errands. That became my go-to spot for staying in touch with him and his world. Even though it was logistically harder to talk to my boys, they still took the things I told them as true and trustworthy.
Then we hit the teen years…
Now, not only do I have two very different kiddos, but I also have to navigate hormones, even more time away from home, social media, and lots of homework (and sometimes eye-rolls, annoyed kids, and skepticism). So where do I turn? I decided to jump into a few books to help me bridge this gap and hopefully not mess this teenage thing up too badly.
Resources to Help Bridge the Gap to Our Teenagers
1. I dug into The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman.
This book was so helpful. One of the things I really pulled out of this book was the importance of listening. And not listening for my rebuttal or to teach the lesson, but listening to hear what they’re saying. He points out that teenagers are developing their reasoning skills and need to test them out. I need to listen, ask questions, and try to understand their viewpoint. He also pointed out that parents need to not take it personally when our teens challenge our viewpoints (or roll their eyes), but to stay focused on really understanding their position. When we do this, and they truly feel understood, they’ll be more willing to listen to our viewpoint, as well. I struggle with listening, in general, so I think this one is especially crucial for me. Another reminder I got from this book was to make sure my sons really know that I love them whether they take my advice or not. I feel in some ways this is obvious, but does my teenager always know this?
2. I also happened to be reading Mama Bear Apologetics by Hillary Morgan Ferrer.
In this book, Hillary reminded me that we want our kids to be skeptical enough to see through the lies wrapped in partial truths (i.e. have a healthy skepticism). If I am really listening to, understanding, and asking questions, I can show them how to break down ideas and relate them back to the truth given in the Bible.
3. While googling articles and books on talking to teens, I stumbled across this gem of a book: Get Your Teenager Talking by Jonathan McKee.
It includes a short intro with 5 tips to get your teen talking. He says the key is asking the right questions. He points out that Jesus was someone who constantly noticed people and took time to ask them questions. We should follow that example. Take time to notice our kids and ask well-placed questions. Notice the music they like, the movies or books they want to see/read, etc.
Right now, my oldest is really into music. We share a Spotify account, so I can see what kind of music is his jam and then ask about it, get song suggestions, or have him make a playlist for me. Not only am I getting him to open up, but he’s improving my musical tastes, as well! The rest of this book is packed with 180 conversation springboards. These range from light-hearted ideas like “What song is your go-to song to listen to when you’re feeling sad?” to conversation starters about alcohol and sex. I’m really looking forward to trying this out at the dinner table or in the car.
Praying for our kids
After all the books, articles, and tips I’ve read, I think the most important thing is to pray for our kids and trust God. Paul showed us we can pray for others to have spiritual wisdom and insight. There’s nothing I want more than for my boys to know how much God loves them and to grow in their spiritual wisdom and knowledge of who God is.
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better.
Ephesians 1:17
I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope He has given those He called–His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance.
Ephesians 1:16-18
I love my kids, but God loves them even more than I do.
