How to Connect with Your Teen This Summer

The weird thing about teenagers… Let me start over—one of the weird things about teenagers is how self-contradictory they are. For example…

• Non-conformity conformity
• Knowing everything without knowing anything
• Never making food but always hungry
• Loving their dog while ignoring their dog
• Tons of clothes but nothing to wear

Another way teenagers contradict themselves is in their desire/lack of desire to connect with their parents.  Believe it or not, teenagers still very much want their parents involved in their lives, but of course it has to be on their terms.  That’s okay, we can work with that!  Summer break offers wonderful opportunities for connecting with your teenager, although I wouldn’t try it before noon unless by “connecting” you mean angry groaning, sour attitudes, whining, complaining, self-pity, and harsh words resulting in corporal punishment.  There’s a better way of connecting that could enhance your relationship with your teenager this summer. Here are some tips to get you started.

Be Affirming

According to Focus on the Family, during the teen years, affirmation and approval are crucial. It is natural that your teen seeks approval from peers, but you are actually your child’s most important cheerleader. They need and look for your “way to go” and “I’m so proud of you” more than you know. More than that, they need your affirmation of who they are, not what they have accomplished and not how they behave.

Be Intentional About Spending Time with Them

When your schedule and their schedule are busy, it can be hard to squeeze in time to be “intentional.” In fact, it can seem like one more thing on a long to-do list.  “Spend time with son, check.” Connecting with teens can happen at any time and any place. Time spent can be the big stuff, such as attending their star performance in a play, or it can be the little stuff like hanging out at the snow cone shack on a hot afternoon. It’s important to show interest in their lives through our words and our actions.

Do the Unexpected

Most of us are more comfortable when we are in a structured routine and we know what to expect. But what is comfortable to you is probably restraining to your teen.  I’m not suggesting throwing all the rules out the door, but a midnight taco run, 2:00 a.m. pancakes, or an all-night Netflix marathon can be just different enough to shake up the routine and get your teen talking.

Here are Some Additional Ideas

• Go on a downtown adventure—rent a scooter and see the town!
• Binge watch season one of “Chef’s Table” and make something together!
• Volunteer together! Children’s hospitals, animal shelters, or at church!
• Family road trip!  (Caution: road trips may have the reverse intended effect!)
• Toilet paper grandma’s house! (Caution: grandma may shoot you, this is Texas!)
• Outdoor concert at White Rock Lake!

When Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Connect

Here is are some encouraging ideas from Focus on the Family to help reconnect with your teenager:

Pray. Even when you feel disconnected, pray that God will be very present in your teen’s life.

Be available. Remember these powerful parenting words: “When you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”

Learn your teen’s interests. Try to figure out what will help your kid look forward to spending time with you.

Don’t take it personally. Teens are figuring things out, too.

Wait. Connection doesn’t happen overnight. Maturity is a gradual process that can take years.¹