Emotions First, Behavior Second

I think one of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve ever heard was from one of my favorite comedians, Brian Regan. He describes seeing a family with a five-year-old boy at the park. The boy loses his helium balloon, and as it’s floating away, he starts crying (who has not had this happen or had this outcome after a popped balloon?). The parents act like it’s no big deal and ask him why he’s so upset. The parent tells the child it’s just a balloon and that they’ll get him another one.

Brian Regan then explains that he doesn’t think adults take the time to understand what kids are feeling. If we wanted to relate, then we should think about how we would react if our wallet started floating away. We’d be freaking out, and it wouldn’t help if someone was all chill and said it’s not a big deal because you can get a new one. We want that one!!

(He’s way funnier than I am, so go look up his stand-up routines, because it’s all gold and I want good things for you. You can thank me later.)

Brian Regan doesn’t use the term “emotional coaching”, but adults taking the time to understand where kids are coming from is a great start to emotional coaching. When you are your child’s emotional coach, you help them recognize and label their feelings so that they can learn, in time, how to best react when they’re feeling certain emotions. A child who’s trying to manage their emotions instead of letting their emotions manage them might think, “I’m angry, but I realize that, and I know that hitting isn’t the right response, so I’ll take a few breaths and talk to a grown-up for help instead.”

Children need extra help with these skills. I say extra because I know sometimes even as an adult, I could use some help identifying what I’m feeling and why I’m reacting a certain way. Children also lack the experiences that can only come with age; they haven’t seen as many fights resolved, misunderstandings cleared up, sadness healed, and fears overcome. Our kids are still developing self-regulation and experience, so it’s not fair to expect them to react to disappointment the same way we adults would.

The first step in Emotional Coaching is helping your child identify their emotions.

Children need an emotional vocabulary. They need to be able to recognize that they’re sad and be able to articulate, “Mommy, I’m feeling sad right now” or “Daddy, I’m really scared, so I don’t want to go upstairs because the lights are off.”

Once they can share their feelings, it’s our job to acknowledge the actual feelings. What’s silly to us isn’t silly to them. We know they’ve been upstairs a thousand times, that they can just turn the lights on as they go, and that nothing could possibly be up there. But telling them, “You aren’t scared, you’ve done this before” stops the conversation.

If they’re angry and throw a tantrum because someone smashed their Lego tower, yelling at them (in anger)  “It’s just Legos” and they “can just build it again” doesn’t help them next time. They’re going to be angry again  and still not know what to do about it. They need to know that it’s safe to say how their feeling. This may sound a little cliché by now, but we all need to know it’s okay to not be okay.

Emotions are not bad; they are scriptural.

1. Death of Lazarath

I’ve written about what John 11:1-44, specifically verse 35, means to me before and so maybe that’s why it’s the first emotional passage I think of, but there’s just so much here. Jesus cried at the loss of His friend:

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”  Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. “Take away the stone,” he said.

John 11:1-44

First, we see that Jesus is angry. Jesus is troubled in His spirit. Death is troubling. Someone He loved has died, His friends are sad at the loss of Lazarus, and Mary tells Him if only He were there this wouldn’t have happened. That’s a lot to be angry about. He didn’t yell at them for their anger or for blaming Him for not being there, though. Instead, He wept with Mary. He even knew how it would all turn out, and He still felt sadness. We have a God who empathizes with us and feels our pain, and I can’t tell you what that does for my faith in my lowest, darkest, most doubt-filled moments.

2. Jesus praying in the garden

Then there’s the night Jesus is praying in the Garden of Gethsemane:

“He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. He told them ‘My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’”

Mark 14:33-34

Jesus is scared and wants to be with His friends while He waits for this horrific death that He knows is coming. He goes on to even ask God to “take this cup of suffering” away from Him, but that He wants God’s will to be done, whatever that may be. He is in anguish about what’s coming.

3. Grief and joy

Again, in John, we find grief but also joy:

 “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy”.

John 16:20-23

Their grief isn’t wrong or misplaced, but it thankfully will turn into joy when they see Him again.

4. Other examples

• We see Peter’s anger in John 18:10-11 when he chops off Malchus’ ear and while Jesus tells him to sheath his sword (gotta love Peter). Jesus doesn’t tell Peter he shouldn’t be mad; just don’t be cutting off people’s ears.
• And of course there’s Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; there’s a time for everything, including: grief, laughter, love, and hate.

After we’re able to identify our emotions and what we’re feeling, we aren’t meant to walk around like a raw nerve letting our emotions control our actions. Our kids, and we, can’t all be whipping out swords and chopping off ears. Scripture has a lot to say about this, as well:

• Proverbs 25:28 says, “A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.“
• Self-control is named with the fruit of the spirit in Galatians 5.
• Proverbs 16:32 says “Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.”

Plan to Handle Emotions

1. You and your child can talk through their feelings, why they might be feeling that way, and how they can handle that emotion in a way that is safe and helpful. I think 9 times out of 10 (do not quote me on this number), it’s best to do this when things are calm and not in the heat of the moment. This depends on the situation of course, and this is why we need to know our kids well. If they’re angry and hurting others, still listen to their feelings, but also remove them from the situation and take away their metaphorical sword.
2. Talk about how to recognize their feelings in the future, and then come up with some ideas for when they feel that way again, so they don’t react the same way. If they’re sad or anxious, it might be okay in the moment to talk about ways to help right then (Scripture is an amazing source of comfort). If they’re scared to go upstairs in the dark, maybe go up with them and let them be the one who turns the lights on as y’all go, and then you can say, “Look at what you did! I’m so proud of you. Now you know you can do it next time.”
3. Validate that it is okay to feel what you are feeling. In my home, we tell our kids many times, “No one could ever be brave if no one was ever scared. It’s okay to feel scared.” When the Bible tells us not to be afraid, it’s never because our fears are silly, dumb, trivial, or unimportant to God. It’s always because He is with us, or something good is right around the corner after the scary thing. The scary thing might still be there, the situation might still be terrifying, you might still be walking in the darkest valley, BUT God is right there with you, and that’s nothing to scoff at. Some examples, and there are SO many—it’s almost like He knows we’re going to be afraid (like a lot)—are: John 14:27, Luke 2:9, Isaiah 41:10

I love the idea of being the safe space for my babies, and this is a great place to start. I want to be the person they can cry to about a broken backpack because it’s the backpack they’ve had since they were in kindergarten (this literally happened yesterday); the person who gets their anger and helps them decide what to do with it in a way that would glorify God; the person who they come to when it’s not a backpack anymore, but something so much harder because being a teenager today has so many minefields and opportunities to feel alone. We can start the precedent now, that they can tell us and God exactly how they’re feeling, and even if we can’t help them fix it we can just be with them. And if we equip our kids to recognize and manage their emotions, I wonder if we’ll end up with adults who empathize with others, ones who are “happy with those who are happy and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).