Giving Appropriate Affirmations

What does healthy affirmation look like?

In all honesty, I have wrestled with this topic. It has been a true struggle and humbling learning process.  Those in my life would not describe me as an overly affirming person. But when I do offer words or praise or encouragement, my family knows I mean them. But is there more as a daughter, wife, and mother I should be doing? Let’s learn together:

  • How does God affirm us as His beloved and set apart children?
  • How should and does that affect how we affirm our children?

 In Jeremiah 29 you can feel God’s words of affirmation towards the exiled Jews as He reminds them, “I know the plans that I am planning concerning you.” “When you search for me, then you will find me, if you seek me with all your heart.” “I am He who knows, and I am a witness,” God is reaching out to His people, who have been exiled from their homes and left destitute, affirming His unfailing nature and His continual care over them.

This seems so contrary to current examples of affirmation. When I think of affirmation, words like, “Good job!” “Way to go!” “You are really good at that!” pop into my mind.  None of these are wrong or bad but is it a true reflection of God’s affirmation to His children?

What is affirmation?

From a quick search, I found that affirmation means “statements or powerful words put together, that are meant to affect your behavior and effect the course of your life in a positive way.” This is essentially what the Bible does for us as believers. So, by definition, the Word of God is His affirmation for His children. How does it affirm us?

God’s affirmation toward us reminds us of who He is.

He affirms to us that He is our Light (1 John 1:5), our Rock (2 Samuel 22:34), our Helper and Sustainer (Psalms 54:4). Just as He reminds us of who He is, we can remind our children of who He is to them. We can be a voice for God in their lives. We are their encouragement, their support, their safe place.  Examples would be, “I love you!” “I am here for you.” “I am available.” We can also be a voice of discipline and course correction in our children’s lives.

How do we offer affirmation in the face of disobedience? I personally struggle with this because my immediate reaction is punishment. But when I see God’s example, I see He often responds with affirmation. Jonah is one of the best stories when looking at direct disobedience towards God. He got into a boat thinking he could escape God. God’s response is a storm. At first, it appears the storm is a punishment, but to me it feels more like an affirmation. God is affirming who He is to Jonah. He is powerful! He can control the wind and seas.

In the parenting world, this form of affirmation looks like a parent taking away a phone, a car, or video games. It is a reminder of who you are to your child. What was the result for Jonah? “I will fulfill what I have vowed. Deliverance belongs to you God!” (Jonah 2:9) What a lesson for me! No words of negativity or nagging were involved.

God’s affirmation toward us reminds us of who we are.

How often we can forget or be blinded to seeing who we are in God’s eyes. Psalms 139:13–14 affirms this, “Indeed You created my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Our children are the same. It is easy to only hear and keep the negative messages of our culture—there are so many outlets to receive those messages. However, these same outlets can also be sources of affirmation.

It seems the struggle is not as to whether our children are being affirmed enough, but more to what is being affirmed in them.

Our children are heat-seeking missiles aimed at finding their identity and our affirmation, as well as the worlds.

Through our affirmation toward children, we affirm who they are in Christ.

They are created by Him (Psalms 139), children of God (John 1:12), friends of Jesus (John 15:15), justified and redeemed (Romans 3:24), accepted by Christ (Romans 15:15). We are to affirm their identity in Christ and the attribute of Christ we see in them. Phrases such as, “You were so kind to your friend.” “I really loved how you displayed such patience towards your sibling.”

Through our affirmation toward children, we affirm their God-given talents and abilities.

Should we affirm those? Yes, there is no problem affirming your child’s abilities. All gifts and talents are given by God, such as Solomon’s wisdom or Esther’s beauty. The problem arises when we are only affirming gifts and talents. What happens when these gifts and talents are lost, such as a career-ending sports injury? Their identity and value have been affirmed that direction and they are left with nothing solid.

Our role is to focus our affirmation on their identity in Christ while helping them grow their gifts and talents to honor Him. We all seek to affirm our children in a direction that leads them to a solid faith and close relationship with God. The journey is long and holds many challenges, but it is well worth it!

You can learn more about speaking words of affirmation in your child life here on Parenting Pathway.

Know Your Child’s Love Language

Author

  • Michelle Flores

    Michelle has served and worked at Stonebriar Community Church since 2004 in numerous departments and areas. She currently serves in Hospitality and works as a part-time Receptionist. Her full-time job is wife to Ivan and mother to 2 boys, Caleb and Ian. Her heart is creating a warm inviting place where all people can grow in their relationship with Christ.

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