Managing Sibling Rivalry

“SHOTGUN!!!” When you hear that, do you cringe waiting for the battle over who said it first, who rode shotgun last time, and whose turn it should be this time?

When I was a kid, my brother and I fought all the time. We argued over little things, we argued over big things. We pushed, shoved, and many times escalated into an all-out brawl. I can hear my mom yelling from the kitchen in our bi-level house to the basement wreck room to “knock it off.” My mom was never interested in who started it, who hit who first, or even what we were arguing about. I just remember her saying . . . “You do not have to like each other, but you do have to love each other.” It was perfect genius. Neither my brother nor I knew what she meant, but it usually stopped most arguments in their tracks.

If you are raising more than one child, I am sure you have had to step into more than one sibling battle and navigate your fair share of sibling rivalry. While there is no perfect sibling relationship, sibling harmony is the ultimate goal. Siblings who learn how to manage conflict early show better conflict resolution skills long term, and they are better able to build stronger relationships as adults. In addition, a little harmony in a home filled with young kids can go a long way in making every day better.

How to Tackle Sibling Rivalry

1. Love is the basis for every relationship.

Each of your children have unique personalities, motivations, and interests. Depending on how many children you have, some will be drawn together by common interests such as sports or abilities such as music. Your children could be opposites, where one is more scientific in his or her approach to life while another is a dreamer with artistic tendencies.  Parenting would be easy if they were all the same, but teaching our children to love each other, especially when they are so different, is key.  Loving and respecting each other comes from a heart trained to love others.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

John 13:34

Tips for Showing Love

• Help your kids recognize what they like about their brother or sister. Focusing on positive qualities helps to build their relationship.
• Model loving relationships with your own spouse, siblings, parents, and friends.
• Help your kids find activities and interests that they can enjoy together.
• Use prayer to build their relationship. For example, when you are putting one of your children to bed, and the other has been real bother all day, you can say, “Why don’t you pray for your brother tonight? He had a really hard day.” Prayer keeps things in perspective and fosters love for the other person.

2. Set standard rules of behavior and consequences for your family.

I love those signs you see in Hobby Lobby that say things like… “As for me and my house…” and then lists a series of values and behaviors such as serve the Lord, laugh together, and do the dishes.  Although they always bring a little grin to my face, there is value in defining what your family believes, what values your hold dear, and how you will treat each other.

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Joshua 24:15

Tips for Setting a Foundation

• Whether you are newly married or married 25 years, it is important that as a husband and wife, you are in agreement on how people are to be treated and the values you want to hold in your family. (There is nothing wrong with making your own plaque.)
• Use time together with your children to refine what that looks like as a family.
• When stepping into the sibling battle, point to those family values to remind them of how they are meant to treat one another.
• Make consequences consistent with your values. If you value polite conversation and your kids cannot talk to each other that way, maybe they cannot talk to each other for a whole day.

3. Teach children to set aside their own selfish interests.

This is developmental issues as well as personality trait. We are by nature selfish beings, and it is not until your children are about three that they start to show empathy for others. But their ability to show empathy is critical to getting along and playing with others. To go a step further, their ability to look at the world from someone else’s perspective is a trait learned throughout their childhood.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Tips to Overcome Selfishness

• Make helping and serving others in your family and community a regular activity for your family. Encourage your children to help each other with chores and projects.
• Remind your kids regularly that not everything is about them, and to look at the needs of others in your family.
• Expose them to needs in your community and engage them in solutions to help.

Unfortunately, there is no quick solution to sibling rivalry. But consistent reflection on how we are loved by a forgiving Father will set the stage for how we want our children to treat and love each other. While it is developmentally appropriate for them to bump heads periodically, ultimately our prayer is that they will share a lifetime of love, nurturing, and community as a family.

Additional Reading

• Stop Sibling Conflict – https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/stop-sibling-conflict/
• Stop the Fighting: Helping Your Kids Get Along – https://parentingpathway.org/stop-the-fighting-helping-your-kids-get-along/